self - deprecation

Now, I don't find myself attractive. I really don't. I'm that girl that looks at herself in the mirror and goes, "why?!..why god!" I'm not trying to be dramatic and I don't know where it really stems from but I'm insecure. Most of the time it's not clearly visible but when I go out and for some random reason get hit on my brown skin turns bright red and I completely avoid eye contact, my palms become sweatier than normal and most of the time I end up running away.

I've never been much of a bar person, I get dizzy off of one drink, I zone out way too much and I'm not good with small-talk. Guys usually don't come up to me because I'm almost always sober and I usually have a sign plastered on my head that says, "you're not getting any from me tonight Tyrone so turn around." I'm not a fashionista but I wear pencil skirts and button ups and put my hair up in pompadours and I'm the definition of over dressed. I know you're probably thinking..where's the story, where's the point, calm down. There's a story coming here I'm not purposely trying to explain why I'm a completely unsocial jerk.

Friday Night Karaoke. Or as the Japanese so lovingly refer to it as KAR-OH-KEE. I never go into these situations hoping to meet someone. I usually end up drinking 1 corona, getting dizzy and sitting on a stool drinking cups of water for the rest of the night so when someone actually starts paying attention to me I kinda don't know how to act. I know a normal person would think, "oh just be yourself" but myself isn't normal so it never really works out. For some reason amid my singing at the top of my lungs to Montell Jordan and booty dancing to Tina Turner this guy starts talking to me and jeez he's really good looking. I mean REALLY.

He sang Ne-Yo to me. He sang to me and I danced with him on stage. We talked for 45 minutes and he made me swoon. and at the end of the night he gave me his number. This is where I turn into a complete vagina. I text him something cute and turned off my phone. I turn off my phone because I don't want to deal with the embarrasment/rejection of him not returning my text. I wait an hour and turn my phone back on. There's a response but not a response that makes me happy. To me, its a return text that doesn't want a response back. And here I am.

I'm not sure if I should just take it as what it was. Just an amazing night with a guy or text him again to see where this goes. Enter insecure - self conscious thoughts: There's no way a guy like that could NOT have a girlfriend, there's no way a guy like that doesn't meet girls every day of the week and there's no way a guy like THAT could be remotely interested in me. That is why I refuse to ever text him again. I know this isn't the healthiest outlook on life or the right outlook but it's just my outlook.

I don't believe in that whole if it's meant to be it will be bullshit but i force myself to repeat the phrase cause it's better than accepting reality. It's better than accepting rejection.

Self - deprecation. Try it sometimes. It works for me.

The History of Love

"Everytime she tries to leave, knowing it's what has to be done, the boy stops her, begging like a fool. And so she always returns no matter how often she leaves or how far she goes, appearing soundlessly behind him and often covering his eyes with her hands, spoiling for him anyone who could ever come after her."

NYE and shaking hands.

Let me start this off by saying I have clammy hands. This may have started during my morbidly obese days as I would sit at the lunch table by myself chomping away on a chicken leg or maybe when I was 15 while I was holding Bobby (insert his last name here)'s hand as he proceeded to tell me he loved me after 1 week of dating. Who knows. Medically I know this is a normal thing but try explaining that to a cute boy you've just met at a party who refuses to not shake your hand without..making it awkward.


Fast foward to New Year's Eve yes two days ago. Yes, yes i realize that there was a windchill of below 0 degrees and there should be no reason for sweaty palms but low and behold the nile river could be found on the left and right. Now I'm not a bar girl especially not a bar girl on New Year's Eve but just like the bat signal - the best friend signal went up in the air and I was in Park Slope shaking hands with hipsters.

3 scenarios. I can name 3 scenarios where my waterfall palms set me up for awkward conversation. Well 2 scenarios and 1 recurrent idiot. The night began with some potential when a cute guy started asking me about my phone. If only i knew how to carry a conversation without having clammy paws life would be so much easier because as he was asking questions about my awesome GOOGLE phone all i could think about was..."what if he wants to shake my hand..where is the nearest tissue, why is my dress wet..?" so as he asked me questions i proceeded to stare at the bartender awkwardly and turn my back to him. Yes, kind of like an autistic child who doesn't want to be spoken to.

Scene 2 - Leave it to the 1 Indian guy at the bar to zone in on the 1 Indian girl at the bar and try to procreate with her. Abraham the Asshole decided that he would just awkwardly stand between Theadora and I as we had a conversation and just stare at us. Literally just stared at us for 5 painful minutes. I knew, i just knew if i made eye contact what would happen but i didn't know what else to do, so i did it, i smiled. And of course, he wanted to shake my hand. So, i warned him i said, "my hands are really clammy so i'd rather not" instead he grabs my hands and shakes it against my wishing and hoping he wouldn't. Again, after the handshake I had nothing else to say to this guy in a loud bar full of drunk people so I just stared at the bartender once again, I thought Abraham got the hint but ...

Scene 3 - Now I knew once this guy started talking I would have to shake his hand, he knew Paul and he had already shaken Theadora's hand so I was preparing as best I could ie. wiping my hands on my dress & using tissue paper. So finally we're introduced and my hands are still wet so I said, "my hands are pretty clammy, just warning you" and he goes, "that's okay so are mine" so i felt a little better. that feeling didn't last long. After i shook his hand he proceeds to go, "THAT IS CLAMMY" and that's when I realized God really doesn't like me that much.

back to Abraham who even after my ignoring him he decides to come back for Act 2 Scene 2 and now somehow he's turned into Ricky Ricardo. He calls me Senora and gorgeous and wants me to dance with him. His shirt is unbuttoned and I can see his disgusto chest hair protruding and I might have thrown up a little in my mouth. I politely scream no thank you and run to the bathroom where I trip 3 times which of course is the perfect ending to my NYE night.

I suppose there isn't much to tell here but I feel like the universe sometimes works against me on purpose, like being clumsy and awkward isn't already a huge turn off let me throw in the wettest pair of hands into the mix to solidify my chances of never finding a boyfriend. And in conclusion instead of finding a potential mate at this said outing i end up with boogers and a sore throat...sexy.