Mr. Tats & Polo.

I should have known. I should have known a guy liking me was too good to be true. I should have known that I'm ultimately destined to never marry, own a couple of cats and live in my parents house until I die. I don't care if i'm being dramatic...you'd be dramatic too if you had to officially break up with someone you went out on 2 dates with. I should have known after he tried to lick my hands things weren't right. I should have just known.

Also, I'm never dating anyone I work with ever again. 0 for 2 right now or whatever the hell that saying is and I'm not trying to go for a strike. It all started out so innocent, he walked into my office and ignored the 3 or 4 jokes I tried to make. I'm all about breaking tension and the air was completely tense when he first walked in. I should have known it was tense because he could possibly and very well might be clinically insane. Fast forward to a week later when I tell his manager that I think his assistant hates me because he didn't appreciate my humor. And can I just say I get very offended when people don't laugh at my jokes. I definitely do consider myself extremely funny. This is what his response was AND I QUOTE "oh he loves you, he's in love with you." In my mind I think, "he's cute, possibly could be someone to make out with -- why not." So he gets my e-mail - we talk -he takes my number and calls me that night. I usually don't ever carry my phone with me because no one ever calls so I go to my phone around 9 and i have 3 missed calls from said crazy ass. I should have known. I call him back and we talk for about 2 hours, when I say we talk I really mean I ramble on for 2 hours to avoid the complete and awkward silence that he's giving me on the other end. So I basically talk to myself for 2 hours and agree that we should go on a date the next night.

Friday night - I won't lie it was a really good date minus the whole him trying to feed me business. Okay wait, it was a really good date until he started holding my hand at the dinner table because that is just awkward. Why are you trying to hold my hand when we're eating macaroni and cheese? Why are you trying to hold my hand on a first date?! Which leads me to believe ...I went out on a date with a Virgin. Then. Oh and then. He started to kiss my head and my hand and I got very uncomfortable. I'm completely affectionate once I start liking someone. If you start kissing me and professing your love before I know how many siblings you have it's a problem.

Now at the end of the date I admit I made out with him. Cause he's cute and I haven't had ANY affection since I'm not going to embarass myself and tell you since when but know that it's been awhile. I should have known that this kid was in love immediately after because he would not stop texting me and when he wasn't texting me he was calling me and when he wasn't calling me he e-mailed me. And I'm a pretty boring person, I enjoy my house - so how many times can you respond with I'm at home, nothing much , what you doing?

I realized pretty soon that I was going to have to end this business but I tried to convince myself that he'd figure out a way to not be so annoyingly in love with me. He set himself up for failure though, he really did. There is such a thin line between just enough attention and stalker. This guy definitely seemed on his way to Paula Abdul stalker crazy. I'm pretty sure he's walking past my office right now staring at me. And if he isn't doing that right now - he's probably done it at least once today. I hate people who are cocky and say things like, "he's in love with me" but seriously if you guys only knew, this kid wanted to get married. I call him Monday night and basically give him the my parents would never allow us to date - i just want to be friends - i really don't like you at all speech hoping that I'd never have to see him again and I really thought it worked until..

after I hung up the phone I get a text message saying, "my lips and hugs are here for you..night night Mr. Tats & Polo" now my question is ... do I file the restraining order now or should I wait till he starts hovering outside my house?

The Gym.

I started Planet Fitness (yes, the join for $1 and pay 10.00 a month gym) about a month ago and have managed to embarass myself everytime I go. On my first day I decide to wear Jordans that I haven't worn since high school believing whole heartedly that my feet have not grown since. Apparently I was wrong because I literally had to be piggy-backed out of the gym by my 46 year old mother. Not to mention when I got home (this is going to be gross) I had blisters the size of entire continents on the heels of my feet. I'm pretty sure I was being laughed at but this isn't something new to me...being laughed at happens probably everyday of my life unbeknownst to me. Yet, I decide to go again the next day and the embarrasment from the day before just decided to continue.

On this particular day I decide to go hard at the gym I had recently uploaded all these power to the women, female go gaga poker face just dance nonsense on my ipod and I was pumped to get into a treadmill groove. Here I am grooving walking with a purpose on the treadmill and I feel water just dripping from my hands. Literally a fountain of water -- unstoppable sweat from my hands. and of course once you notice this awkward amount of body fluid there's no way to stop -- I become super self conscious which makes me sweat even more. I start wiping my hands on my sweatpants ... but they're so WET that when i wipe my hands the imprints of my sweaty palms are left on my gray sweatpants. Of course I don't know what to do so I start walking extra fast on the treadmill and wave my hands hoping that the air from waving my hands like an idiot will dry the unstoppable perspiration. and no in case you were wondering it didn't, i just ended up looking like an even bigger dumbass.

Another cute little fact about my gym experience, I have no coordination so when walking (just walking) on the treadmill I get so clumsy I lose my stride which in conclusion just ends up making me look like a drunk mess.

Last week, we decided to bring my panda bear cousin to the gym with us. Once again not learning my lesson I get back on the treadmill. I'm listening to my favorite rapper Drake and getting almost close to running. I decide...hey since I'm a pro let me look around to see if i can spot my cousin. Bad idea. Bad bad idea. I turn my head and almost immediately my legs collapse in front of me, my body moves to one side of the treadmill and I let out the biggest vagina squeal I've ever let out. Luckily God doesn't complete hate me so I didn't fall flat on my face but I got the attention of the entire back portion of the gym -- which if you didn't know consists of all the cute guys weightlifting not to mention my mom is my treadmill partner. So, ontop of sweating profusely from complete embarrasment I have my mother hovering over me checking my vitals trying to shove water in my face and my smokey the bear cousin laughing his ass off behind me.

Also, my partner in crime aka my mother told me that I should be going to the gym alone so I could meet men. Apparently she hasn't seen the way I look at the gym because I scare myself. And if I'm scaring myself I'm sure I'm a hazard to others around me.


I don't know what the future holds and I'm not sure what's in store for the next episode of my life at the gym but...I know that I'll have my mother right by my side pissed that I'm single and not finding a husband.

self - deprecation

Now, I don't find myself attractive. I really don't. I'm that girl that looks at herself in the mirror and goes, "why?!..why god!" I'm not trying to be dramatic and I don't know where it really stems from but I'm insecure. Most of the time it's not clearly visible but when I go out and for some random reason get hit on my brown skin turns bright red and I completely avoid eye contact, my palms become sweatier than normal and most of the time I end up running away.

I've never been much of a bar person, I get dizzy off of one drink, I zone out way too much and I'm not good with small-talk. Guys usually don't come up to me because I'm almost always sober and I usually have a sign plastered on my head that says, "you're not getting any from me tonight Tyrone so turn around." I'm not a fashionista but I wear pencil skirts and button ups and put my hair up in pompadours and I'm the definition of over dressed. I know you're probably thinking..where's the story, where's the point, calm down. There's a story coming here I'm not purposely trying to explain why I'm a completely unsocial jerk.

Friday Night Karaoke. Or as the Japanese so lovingly refer to it as KAR-OH-KEE. I never go into these situations hoping to meet someone. I usually end up drinking 1 corona, getting dizzy and sitting on a stool drinking cups of water for the rest of the night so when someone actually starts paying attention to me I kinda don't know how to act. I know a normal person would think, "oh just be yourself" but myself isn't normal so it never really works out. For some reason amid my singing at the top of my lungs to Montell Jordan and booty dancing to Tina Turner this guy starts talking to me and jeez he's really good looking. I mean REALLY.

He sang Ne-Yo to me. He sang to me and I danced with him on stage. We talked for 45 minutes and he made me swoon. and at the end of the night he gave me his number. This is where I turn into a complete vagina. I text him something cute and turned off my phone. I turn off my phone because I don't want to deal with the embarrasment/rejection of him not returning my text. I wait an hour and turn my phone back on. There's a response but not a response that makes me happy. To me, its a return text that doesn't want a response back. And here I am.

I'm not sure if I should just take it as what it was. Just an amazing night with a guy or text him again to see where this goes. Enter insecure - self conscious thoughts: There's no way a guy like that could NOT have a girlfriend, there's no way a guy like that doesn't meet girls every day of the week and there's no way a guy like THAT could be remotely interested in me. That is why I refuse to ever text him again. I know this isn't the healthiest outlook on life or the right outlook but it's just my outlook.

I don't believe in that whole if it's meant to be it will be bullshit but i force myself to repeat the phrase cause it's better than accepting reality. It's better than accepting rejection.

Self - deprecation. Try it sometimes. It works for me.

The History of Love

"Everytime she tries to leave, knowing it's what has to be done, the boy stops her, begging like a fool. And so she always returns no matter how often she leaves or how far she goes, appearing soundlessly behind him and often covering his eyes with her hands, spoiling for him anyone who could ever come after her."

NYE and shaking hands.

Let me start this off by saying I have clammy hands. This may have started during my morbidly obese days as I would sit at the lunch table by myself chomping away on a chicken leg or maybe when I was 15 while I was holding Bobby (insert his last name here)'s hand as he proceeded to tell me he loved me after 1 week of dating. Who knows. Medically I know this is a normal thing but try explaining that to a cute boy you've just met at a party who refuses to not shake your hand without..making it awkward.


Fast foward to New Year's Eve yes two days ago. Yes, yes i realize that there was a windchill of below 0 degrees and there should be no reason for sweaty palms but low and behold the nile river could be found on the left and right. Now I'm not a bar girl especially not a bar girl on New Year's Eve but just like the bat signal - the best friend signal went up in the air and I was in Park Slope shaking hands with hipsters.

3 scenarios. I can name 3 scenarios where my waterfall palms set me up for awkward conversation. Well 2 scenarios and 1 recurrent idiot. The night began with some potential when a cute guy started asking me about my phone. If only i knew how to carry a conversation without having clammy paws life would be so much easier because as he was asking questions about my awesome GOOGLE phone all i could think about was..."what if he wants to shake my hand..where is the nearest tissue, why is my dress wet..?" so as he asked me questions i proceeded to stare at the bartender awkwardly and turn my back to him. Yes, kind of like an autistic child who doesn't want to be spoken to.

Scene 2 - Leave it to the 1 Indian guy at the bar to zone in on the 1 Indian girl at the bar and try to procreate with her. Abraham the Asshole decided that he would just awkwardly stand between Theadora and I as we had a conversation and just stare at us. Literally just stared at us for 5 painful minutes. I knew, i just knew if i made eye contact what would happen but i didn't know what else to do, so i did it, i smiled. And of course, he wanted to shake my hand. So, i warned him i said, "my hands are really clammy so i'd rather not" instead he grabs my hands and shakes it against my wishing and hoping he wouldn't. Again, after the handshake I had nothing else to say to this guy in a loud bar full of drunk people so I just stared at the bartender once again, I thought Abraham got the hint but ...

Scene 3 - Now I knew once this guy started talking I would have to shake his hand, he knew Paul and he had already shaken Theadora's hand so I was preparing as best I could ie. wiping my hands on my dress & using tissue paper. So finally we're introduced and my hands are still wet so I said, "my hands are pretty clammy, just warning you" and he goes, "that's okay so are mine" so i felt a little better. that feeling didn't last long. After i shook his hand he proceeds to go, "THAT IS CLAMMY" and that's when I realized God really doesn't like me that much.

back to Abraham who even after my ignoring him he decides to come back for Act 2 Scene 2 and now somehow he's turned into Ricky Ricardo. He calls me Senora and gorgeous and wants me to dance with him. His shirt is unbuttoned and I can see his disgusto chest hair protruding and I might have thrown up a little in my mouth. I politely scream no thank you and run to the bathroom where I trip 3 times which of course is the perfect ending to my NYE night.

I suppose there isn't much to tell here but I feel like the universe sometimes works against me on purpose, like being clumsy and awkward isn't already a huge turn off let me throw in the wettest pair of hands into the mix to solidify my chances of never finding a boyfriend. And in conclusion instead of finding a potential mate at this said outing i end up with boogers and a sore throat...sexy.