NYE and shaking hands.

Let me start this off by saying I have clammy hands. This may have started during my morbidly obese days as I would sit at the lunch table by myself chomping away on a chicken leg or maybe when I was 15 while I was holding Bobby (insert his last name here)'s hand as he proceeded to tell me he loved me after 1 week of dating. Who knows. Medically I know this is a normal thing but try explaining that to a cute boy you've just met at a party who refuses to not shake your hand without..making it awkward.


Fast foward to New Year's Eve yes two days ago. Yes, yes i realize that there was a windchill of below 0 degrees and there should be no reason for sweaty palms but low and behold the nile river could be found on the left and right. Now I'm not a bar girl especially not a bar girl on New Year's Eve but just like the bat signal - the best friend signal went up in the air and I was in Park Slope shaking hands with hipsters.

3 scenarios. I can name 3 scenarios where my waterfall palms set me up for awkward conversation. Well 2 scenarios and 1 recurrent idiot. The night began with some potential when a cute guy started asking me about my phone. If only i knew how to carry a conversation without having clammy paws life would be so much easier because as he was asking questions about my awesome GOOGLE phone all i could think about was..."what if he wants to shake my hand..where is the nearest tissue, why is my dress wet..?" so as he asked me questions i proceeded to stare at the bartender awkwardly and turn my back to him. Yes, kind of like an autistic child who doesn't want to be spoken to.

Scene 2 - Leave it to the 1 Indian guy at the bar to zone in on the 1 Indian girl at the bar and try to procreate with her. Abraham the Asshole decided that he would just awkwardly stand between Theadora and I as we had a conversation and just stare at us. Literally just stared at us for 5 painful minutes. I knew, i just knew if i made eye contact what would happen but i didn't know what else to do, so i did it, i smiled. And of course, he wanted to shake my hand. So, i warned him i said, "my hands are really clammy so i'd rather not" instead he grabs my hands and shakes it against my wishing and hoping he wouldn't. Again, after the handshake I had nothing else to say to this guy in a loud bar full of drunk people so I just stared at the bartender once again, I thought Abraham got the hint but ...

Scene 3 - Now I knew once this guy started talking I would have to shake his hand, he knew Paul and he had already shaken Theadora's hand so I was preparing as best I could ie. wiping my hands on my dress & using tissue paper. So finally we're introduced and my hands are still wet so I said, "my hands are pretty clammy, just warning you" and he goes, "that's okay so are mine" so i felt a little better. that feeling didn't last long. After i shook his hand he proceeds to go, "THAT IS CLAMMY" and that's when I realized God really doesn't like me that much.

back to Abraham who even after my ignoring him he decides to come back for Act 2 Scene 2 and now somehow he's turned into Ricky Ricardo. He calls me Senora and gorgeous and wants me to dance with him. His shirt is unbuttoned and I can see his disgusto chest hair protruding and I might have thrown up a little in my mouth. I politely scream no thank you and run to the bathroom where I trip 3 times which of course is the perfect ending to my NYE night.

I suppose there isn't much to tell here but I feel like the universe sometimes works against me on purpose, like being clumsy and awkward isn't already a huge turn off let me throw in the wettest pair of hands into the mix to solidify my chances of never finding a boyfriend. And in conclusion instead of finding a potential mate at this said outing i end up with boogers and a sore throat...sexy.