Mr. Tats & Polo.

I should have known. I should have known a guy liking me was too good to be true. I should have known that I'm ultimately destined to never marry, own a couple of cats and live in my parents house until I die. I don't care if i'm being dramatic...you'd be dramatic too if you had to officially break up with someone you went out on 2 dates with. I should have known after he tried to lick my hands things weren't right. I should have just known.

Also, I'm never dating anyone I work with ever again. 0 for 2 right now or whatever the hell that saying is and I'm not trying to go for a strike. It all started out so innocent, he walked into my office and ignored the 3 or 4 jokes I tried to make. I'm all about breaking tension and the air was completely tense when he first walked in. I should have known it was tense because he could possibly and very well might be clinically insane. Fast forward to a week later when I tell his manager that I think his assistant hates me because he didn't appreciate my humor. And can I just say I get very offended when people don't laugh at my jokes. I definitely do consider myself extremely funny. This is what his response was AND I QUOTE "oh he loves you, he's in love with you." In my mind I think, "he's cute, possibly could be someone to make out with -- why not." So he gets my e-mail - we talk -he takes my number and calls me that night. I usually don't ever carry my phone with me because no one ever calls so I go to my phone around 9 and i have 3 missed calls from said crazy ass. I should have known. I call him back and we talk for about 2 hours, when I say we talk I really mean I ramble on for 2 hours to avoid the complete and awkward silence that he's giving me on the other end. So I basically talk to myself for 2 hours and agree that we should go on a date the next night.

Friday night - I won't lie it was a really good date minus the whole him trying to feed me business. Okay wait, it was a really good date until he started holding my hand at the dinner table because that is just awkward. Why are you trying to hold my hand when we're eating macaroni and cheese? Why are you trying to hold my hand on a first date?! Which leads me to believe ...I went out on a date with a Virgin. Then. Oh and then. He started to kiss my head and my hand and I got very uncomfortable. I'm completely affectionate once I start liking someone. If you start kissing me and professing your love before I know how many siblings you have it's a problem.

Now at the end of the date I admit I made out with him. Cause he's cute and I haven't had ANY affection since I'm not going to embarass myself and tell you since when but know that it's been awhile. I should have known that this kid was in love immediately after because he would not stop texting me and when he wasn't texting me he was calling me and when he wasn't calling me he e-mailed me. And I'm a pretty boring person, I enjoy my house - so how many times can you respond with I'm at home, nothing much , what you doing?

I realized pretty soon that I was going to have to end this business but I tried to convince myself that he'd figure out a way to not be so annoyingly in love with me. He set himself up for failure though, he really did. There is such a thin line between just enough attention and stalker. This guy definitely seemed on his way to Paula Abdul stalker crazy. I'm pretty sure he's walking past my office right now staring at me. And if he isn't doing that right now - he's probably done it at least once today. I hate people who are cocky and say things like, "he's in love with me" but seriously if you guys only knew, this kid wanted to get married. I call him Monday night and basically give him the my parents would never allow us to date - i just want to be friends - i really don't like you at all speech hoping that I'd never have to see him again and I really thought it worked until..

after I hung up the phone I get a text message saying, "my lips and hugs are here for you..night night Mr. Tats & Polo" now my question is ... do I file the restraining order now or should I wait till he starts hovering outside my house?

The Gym.

I started Planet Fitness (yes, the join for $1 and pay 10.00 a month gym) about a month ago and have managed to embarass myself everytime I go. On my first day I decide to wear Jordans that I haven't worn since high school believing whole heartedly that my feet have not grown since. Apparently I was wrong because I literally had to be piggy-backed out of the gym by my 46 year old mother. Not to mention when I got home (this is going to be gross) I had blisters the size of entire continents on the heels of my feet. I'm pretty sure I was being laughed at but this isn't something new to me...being laughed at happens probably everyday of my life unbeknownst to me. Yet, I decide to go again the next day and the embarrasment from the day before just decided to continue.

On this particular day I decide to go hard at the gym I had recently uploaded all these power to the women, female go gaga poker face just dance nonsense on my ipod and I was pumped to get into a treadmill groove. Here I am grooving walking with a purpose on the treadmill and I feel water just dripping from my hands. Literally a fountain of water -- unstoppable sweat from my hands. and of course once you notice this awkward amount of body fluid there's no way to stop -- I become super self conscious which makes me sweat even more. I start wiping my hands on my sweatpants ... but they're so WET that when i wipe my hands the imprints of my sweaty palms are left on my gray sweatpants. Of course I don't know what to do so I start walking extra fast on the treadmill and wave my hands hoping that the air from waving my hands like an idiot will dry the unstoppable perspiration. and no in case you were wondering it didn't, i just ended up looking like an even bigger dumbass.

Another cute little fact about my gym experience, I have no coordination so when walking (just walking) on the treadmill I get so clumsy I lose my stride which in conclusion just ends up making me look like a drunk mess.

Last week, we decided to bring my panda bear cousin to the gym with us. Once again not learning my lesson I get back on the treadmill. I'm listening to my favorite rapper Drake and getting almost close to running. I decide...hey since I'm a pro let me look around to see if i can spot my cousin. Bad idea. Bad bad idea. I turn my head and almost immediately my legs collapse in front of me, my body moves to one side of the treadmill and I let out the biggest vagina squeal I've ever let out. Luckily God doesn't complete hate me so I didn't fall flat on my face but I got the attention of the entire back portion of the gym -- which if you didn't know consists of all the cute guys weightlifting not to mention my mom is my treadmill partner. So, ontop of sweating profusely from complete embarrasment I have my mother hovering over me checking my vitals trying to shove water in my face and my smokey the bear cousin laughing his ass off behind me.

Also, my partner in crime aka my mother told me that I should be going to the gym alone so I could meet men. Apparently she hasn't seen the way I look at the gym because I scare myself. And if I'm scaring myself I'm sure I'm a hazard to others around me.


I don't know what the future holds and I'm not sure what's in store for the next episode of my life at the gym but...I know that I'll have my mother right by my side pissed that I'm single and not finding a husband.