self - deprecation

Now, I don't find myself attractive. I really don't. I'm that girl that looks at herself in the mirror and goes, "why?!..why god!" I'm not trying to be dramatic and I don't know where it really stems from but I'm insecure. Most of the time it's not clearly visible but when I go out and for some random reason get hit on my brown skin turns bright red and I completely avoid eye contact, my palms become sweatier than normal and most of the time I end up running away.

I've never been much of a bar person, I get dizzy off of one drink, I zone out way too much and I'm not good with small-talk. Guys usually don't come up to me because I'm almost always sober and I usually have a sign plastered on my head that says, "you're not getting any from me tonight Tyrone so turn around." I'm not a fashionista but I wear pencil skirts and button ups and put my hair up in pompadours and I'm the definition of over dressed. I know you're probably thinking..where's the story, where's the point, calm down. There's a story coming here I'm not purposely trying to explain why I'm a completely unsocial jerk.

Friday Night Karaoke. Or as the Japanese so lovingly refer to it as KAR-OH-KEE. I never go into these situations hoping to meet someone. I usually end up drinking 1 corona, getting dizzy and sitting on a stool drinking cups of water for the rest of the night so when someone actually starts paying attention to me I kinda don't know how to act. I know a normal person would think, "oh just be yourself" but myself isn't normal so it never really works out. For some reason amid my singing at the top of my lungs to Montell Jordan and booty dancing to Tina Turner this guy starts talking to me and jeez he's really good looking. I mean REALLY.

He sang Ne-Yo to me. He sang to me and I danced with him on stage. We talked for 45 minutes and he made me swoon. and at the end of the night he gave me his number. This is where I turn into a complete vagina. I text him something cute and turned off my phone. I turn off my phone because I don't want to deal with the embarrasment/rejection of him not returning my text. I wait an hour and turn my phone back on. There's a response but not a response that makes me happy. To me, its a return text that doesn't want a response back. And here I am.

I'm not sure if I should just take it as what it was. Just an amazing night with a guy or text him again to see where this goes. Enter insecure - self conscious thoughts: There's no way a guy like that could NOT have a girlfriend, there's no way a guy like that doesn't meet girls every day of the week and there's no way a guy like THAT could be remotely interested in me. That is why I refuse to ever text him again. I know this isn't the healthiest outlook on life or the right outlook but it's just my outlook.

I don't believe in that whole if it's meant to be it will be bullshit but i force myself to repeat the phrase cause it's better than accepting reality. It's better than accepting rejection.

Self - deprecation. Try it sometimes. It works for me.