The Gym.

I started Planet Fitness (yes, the join for $1 and pay 10.00 a month gym) about a month ago and have managed to embarass myself everytime I go. On my first day I decide to wear Jordans that I haven't worn since high school believing whole heartedly that my feet have not grown since. Apparently I was wrong because I literally had to be piggy-backed out of the gym by my 46 year old mother. Not to mention when I got home (this is going to be gross) I had blisters the size of entire continents on the heels of my feet. I'm pretty sure I was being laughed at but this isn't something new to me...being laughed at happens probably everyday of my life unbeknownst to me. Yet, I decide to go again the next day and the embarrasment from the day before just decided to continue.

On this particular day I decide to go hard at the gym I had recently uploaded all these power to the women, female go gaga poker face just dance nonsense on my ipod and I was pumped to get into a treadmill groove. Here I am grooving walking with a purpose on the treadmill and I feel water just dripping from my hands. Literally a fountain of water -- unstoppable sweat from my hands. and of course once you notice this awkward amount of body fluid there's no way to stop -- I become super self conscious which makes me sweat even more. I start wiping my hands on my sweatpants ... but they're so WET that when i wipe my hands the imprints of my sweaty palms are left on my gray sweatpants. Of course I don't know what to do so I start walking extra fast on the treadmill and wave my hands hoping that the air from waving my hands like an idiot will dry the unstoppable perspiration. and no in case you were wondering it didn't, i just ended up looking like an even bigger dumbass.

Another cute little fact about my gym experience, I have no coordination so when walking (just walking) on the treadmill I get so clumsy I lose my stride which in conclusion just ends up making me look like a drunk mess.

Last week, we decided to bring my panda bear cousin to the gym with us. Once again not learning my lesson I get back on the treadmill. I'm listening to my favorite rapper Drake and getting almost close to running. I decide...hey since I'm a pro let me look around to see if i can spot my cousin. Bad idea. Bad bad idea. I turn my head and almost immediately my legs collapse in front of me, my body moves to one side of the treadmill and I let out the biggest vagina squeal I've ever let out. Luckily God doesn't complete hate me so I didn't fall flat on my face but I got the attention of the entire back portion of the gym -- which if you didn't know consists of all the cute guys weightlifting not to mention my mom is my treadmill partner. So, ontop of sweating profusely from complete embarrasment I have my mother hovering over me checking my vitals trying to shove water in my face and my smokey the bear cousin laughing his ass off behind me.

Also, my partner in crime aka my mother told me that I should be going to the gym alone so I could meet men. Apparently she hasn't seen the way I look at the gym because I scare myself. And if I'm scaring myself I'm sure I'm a hazard to others around me.


I don't know what the future holds and I'm not sure what's in store for the next episode of my life at the gym but...I know that I'll have my mother right by my side pissed that I'm single and not finding a husband.